[M gives a slight shrug at the stare. Emotions aren't his forte, but it isn't to say he doesn't possess them, or is at the very least aware of them. Besides...]
I'm not in the exact situation as you, but something similar. Like I said, I might have been normal once. When I got my implants, the mad scientists who made me wiped out my past, who I was before...
[He does a vague hand wave around himself.]
It never used to bother me. Hell, I barely thought about it until I fell for someone. Calling him normal's a stretch, but he had a past. A real name. A life besides killing bad men who deserved it. So I started thinking about it for the first time. We reached the stage where the masks came off and real names were exchanged as a courtesy. I didn't have an answer for him, so I made one up: "Lucas Trent." Sounded nice, didn't it? Pretended I was a real boy for a bit. Things were fine until I figured out that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach was guilt at constantly lying to the one guy that mattered to me.
[As M talks about his ex, his expression gets distant as he more talks to a small sun ornament on one of his bookshelves than at Loki. His gaze breaks before he says:]
So I finally told him the truth.
He was pissed of course. I knew he'd be. But he wasn't mad that what I lied about. He was mad I lied to him at all. Our lives weren't normal and I should have been more open to him. That I didn't have to hide.
What I never told him was that I didn't think there was a me beyond the nameless fight robot I was created to be. Never told him that because of him, that actually bothered me for the first time in my life.
Of course, not long after I broke everything off my "mother" had to come waltzing back into my life, demanding my help. Someone had stolen some of her precious artifacts--she collects odd science, you see. Like what she put in my head, and this apartment. Stolen some very bad weapons... And a file containing information of who I used to be. It was the first time I even knew she had the damn thing.
Story that's gone way longer than intended short, that one two punch made me realize that I had to figure out who I was, and what part of me I wanted to present to the world. They put into perspective that the only part of me I could change was the me in the present, and that I personally better damn well like that guy. I don't know who I was before Midnighter, and I know Lucas Trent was a lie. But M... M's who I am. And I love being me.
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Date: 2017-01-15 03:29 am (UTC)I'm not in the exact situation as you, but something similar. Like I said, I might have been normal once. When I got my implants, the mad scientists who made me wiped out my past, who I was before...
[He does a vague hand wave around himself.]
It never used to bother me. Hell, I barely thought about it until I fell for someone. Calling him normal's a stretch, but he had a past. A real name. A life besides killing bad men who deserved it. So I started thinking about it for the first time. We reached the stage where the masks came off and real names were exchanged as a courtesy. I didn't have an answer for him, so I made one up: "Lucas Trent." Sounded nice, didn't it? Pretended I was a real boy for a bit. Things were fine until I figured out that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach was guilt at constantly lying to the one guy that mattered to me.
[As M talks about his ex, his expression gets distant as he more talks to a small sun ornament on one of his bookshelves than at Loki. His gaze breaks before he says:]
So I finally told him the truth.
He was pissed of course. I knew he'd be. But he wasn't mad that what I lied about. He was mad I lied to him at all. Our lives weren't normal and I should have been more open to him. That I didn't have to hide.
What I never told him was that I didn't think there was a me beyond the nameless fight robot I was created to be. Never told him that because of him, that actually bothered me for the first time in my life.
Of course, not long after I broke everything off my "mother" had to come waltzing back into my life, demanding my help. Someone had stolen some of her precious artifacts--she collects odd science, you see. Like what she put in my head, and this apartment. Stolen some very bad weapons... And a file containing information of who I used to be. It was the first time I even knew she had the damn thing.
Story that's gone way longer than intended short, that one two punch made me realize that I had to figure out who I was, and what part of me I wanted to present to the world. They put into perspective that the only part of me I could change was the me in the present, and that I personally better damn well like that guy. I don't know who I was before Midnighter, and I know Lucas Trent was a lie. But M... M's who I am. And I love being me.