[He pauses as he struggles to collect his thoughts. Implants or no implants, his mind is running faster than he can speak. All this time he'd thought he'd done a much better job of explaining himself to Andrew, but if nothing else this just proves the opposite.]
I don't resent my past. That me is still me. It's just... before you, when I was just the Midnighter, my world was like this. [He cups his hands into a small circle.] I knew there was more to it than that, but I had no interest in seeing it. Work was the only thing that mattered to me. That's all I did, all I wanted to do.
Then I saw your handiwork for the first time. At first it was... workplace admiration, for lack of a better word. No matter how hard I'd try to track you down to meet you, you were always one step ahead of me. As you know, that doesn't happen very often, and it only made me want to meet you more.
[His hands open wider ever so slowly.]
When I finally tracked you down, you were even more beautiful up close. But I wasn't going to screw up a good thing by a stupid little thing called feelings get in the way of work. Not until I realized I actually had a chance with you... and it hit me, for the first time, there was something in this world that I cared about more than the one thing I was made for.
[The circle widens.]
It wasn't until I had you that I realized just how out of my depth that I was. And I don't mean being out of your league--which, let's be honest, I am. What I mean is... My "parents" are fucking Henry Bendix and the Gardener. What do I know about normal relationships? [He quickly continues.] Yes, I know we've talked about this before Andrew and I don't mean that I thought you expected a normal relationship--as true as it is. But in this sense I just mean connecting with another human being. I had assets, not friends.
Which is why I invented Lucas, the only time in my life I've worn a mask. I hated lying to you, but once I started and the little things kept adding up, I felt I was in too deep and couldn't stop.
[M stops staring at his hands to look up at Andrew.]
You have to understand that I never lied to you about what mattered. Never. Not about my feelings, or anything that you asked me in earnest. The only things I lied about were stupid things--music, food, clothes... things I had no opinion on before then. You remember that night you decided we should have a quiet night in, and made grilled kielbasa with red potatoes and onions because "it was easy"? Consider that the start of Ms Gems.
[He starts to move his hands wider more rapidly now, before suddenly stopping.]
If I'd been honest with you from the start, I could have shared with you that every day you were expanding my world just a little bit wider... that I fucked that up is the only part of my past--of the "old me" as you put it--I regret.
Everything else I've said to you before. I didn't know what parts of Lucas were fake and what was real, what was me and what was me pretending to be what I thought you'd want. I felt scared and trapped by a fuck-up of my own design... so I ran, leaving you when I should have just manned up and asked for help.
[No matter how hard he tries to justify it to himself, he knows that's what it is.]
Even if I wanted to, I couldn't go back to the version of me that I was before. I didn't want to. I couldn't be that closed off to the world. So I just kept discovering new things on my own.
[The circle starts to expand again.]
The fight-obsessed asshole with the chinspike is still here. He just has a better wardrobe and occasionally makes pop culture references now.
[M breaks the circle to put his hand over Andrew's.] And you aren't broken, Andrew. Your parents fucked with your head at an impressionable age. That's not your fault.
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Date: 2018-05-19 04:28 am (UTC)[He pauses as he struggles to collect his thoughts. Implants or no implants, his mind is running faster than he can speak. All this time he'd thought he'd done a much better job of explaining himself to Andrew, but if nothing else this just proves the opposite.]
I don't resent my past. That me is still me. It's just... before you, when I was just the Midnighter, my world was like this. [He cups his hands into a small circle.] I knew there was more to it than that, but I had no interest in seeing it. Work was the only thing that mattered to me. That's all I did, all I wanted to do.
Then I saw your handiwork for the first time. At first it was... workplace admiration, for lack of a better word. No matter how hard I'd try to track you down to meet you, you were always one step ahead of me. As you know, that doesn't happen very often, and it only made me want to meet you more.
[His hands open wider ever so slowly.]
When I finally tracked you down, you were even more beautiful up close. But I wasn't going to screw up a good thing by a stupid little thing called feelings get in the way of work. Not until I realized I actually had a chance with you... and it hit me, for the first time, there was something in this world that I cared about more than the one thing I was made for.
[The circle widens.]
It wasn't until I had you that I realized just how out of my depth that I was. And I don't mean being out of your league--which, let's be honest, I am. What I mean is... My "parents" are fucking Henry Bendix and the Gardener. What do I know about normal relationships? [He quickly continues.] Yes, I know we've talked about this before Andrew and I don't mean that I thought you expected a normal relationship--as true as it is. But in this sense I just mean connecting with another human being. I had assets, not friends.
Which is why I invented Lucas, the only time in my life I've worn a mask. I hated lying to you, but once I started and the little things kept adding up, I felt I was in too deep and couldn't stop.
[M stops staring at his hands to look up at Andrew.]
You have to understand that I never lied to you about what mattered. Never. Not about my feelings, or anything that you asked me in earnest. The only things I lied about were stupid things--music, food, clothes... things I had no opinion on before then. You remember that night you decided we should have a quiet night in, and made grilled kielbasa with red potatoes and onions because "it was easy"? Consider that the start of Ms Gems.
[He starts to move his hands wider more rapidly now, before suddenly stopping.]
If I'd been honest with you from the start, I could have shared with you that every day you were expanding my world just a little bit wider... that I fucked that up is the only part of my past--of the "old me" as you put it--I regret.
Everything else I've said to you before. I didn't know what parts of Lucas were fake and what was real, what was me and what was me pretending to be what I thought you'd want. I felt scared and trapped by a fuck-up of my own design... so I ran, leaving you when I should have just manned up and asked for help.
[No matter how hard he tries to justify it to himself, he knows that's what it is.]
Even if I wanted to, I couldn't go back to the version of me that I was before. I didn't want to. I couldn't be that closed off to the world. So I just kept discovering new things on my own.
[The circle starts to expand again.]
The fight-obsessed asshole with the chinspike is still here. He just has a better wardrobe and occasionally makes pop culture references now.
[M breaks the circle to put his hand over Andrew's.] And you aren't broken, Andrew. Your parents fucked with your head at an impressionable age. That's not your fault.