heliophilic | IC Inbox

You know, they say if your refrigerator talks to you that you have bigger problems than just your fridge getting angry. Luckily for you I'm not much of a "they."

[He follows Loki's finger down to the picture of the snake. No one can accuse him of living a boring life, that's for sure.]

And what's its purpose? To protect the tree... or is the tree protecting everything else from your kid?

[Oh you just had to ask that, now didn't you? M smirks.]

Well, you're just going to have to do them for me to judge for myself, now won't I? On the matter of your phallic sausages... an A.

Fortunately I only speak to my kitchen appliances when my electronic devices stop talking to me. I get lonely, you see!

[With all of the time he's spent in solitary confinement, Loki could hold a conversation with a mountain.]

Oh, well now that's hitting below the belt. Poor little Jormy, he's just too big to fit anywhere else, not that there haven't been prophecies about him...but he's a lamb

[Sure he's a lamb, a great, big, venomous lamb that likes to attack your brother and is a potential threat to Earth. That's all.]

That's a lot of things, it will require a list. [He's not boasting at all, well maybe a little, he certainly doesn't try to hide his grin at the grade he receives on his phallic sausages.] That's a start.

You might want to have a conversation with Mitchell Hundred then. I hear he talks to toasters too.

[The only electronics he talks to are the ones implanted in his head.]

I'm merely trying to interpret your drawing. You certainly don't make him look like a lamb.

[Honestly, even if Loki wasn't being facetious right now, M would have no way of knowing. His parental skills are nonexistent.]

I'm beginning to think I've gotten myself involved in something I shouldn't have.

[The smirk on his face doesn't make his words as he takes another bite of his sausage. They really did turn out great.]

He probably saw that one movie about a brave toaster that could speak and became inspired.

[Unfortunately Loki doesn't have electronics in his head, he has to make do with the ones outside of his head.]

I suppose they all look intimidating...a giant serpent, an over-sized sentient wolf, the queen of Hel...although I cannot remember if she is or isn't, echo memories you see. [He's not the most paternal sort, most of his children were designed for a specific purpose.] Tess...Tess Black is probably the least frightening in her appearance, given that she is mortal for all intents and purposes, but I've erased her memories of me. Probably the only good thing Loki did as a parent.

[He's not entirely certain he can claim all of those memories and deeds as his own, vague as they are.]

You're eating dinner with Loki, God of Mischief, what could possibly go wrong?

[Loki's return smirk isn't necessarily comforting as he holds his wine glass up, cheers to becoming involved in things one should not.]

[He shrugs at that. He's only spoken to the guy once, and that was over a year ago.]

Just how many kids do you have?

[Pretty much the gist he's getting from all of this is that Gods are weird. And that's saying something from him.]

Don't ever ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.

[Because he can and will give you that answer.]

[Now you are asking Loki to remember all of his children.]

That...is a fair question, actually, I've had several lovers, men and women alike, I was also married once...poor woman...so I'm not entirely certain I can remember them all. Eight come to mind.

[Loki is terrible and awful and he knows this, but there's little he can do to correct what his past iterations have done and for his own memories which tend to be half formed at times.

As for not asking questions? Loki stares at M for a few seconds, before bursting into laughter, give him a minute.]

Those are my favorite questions!

[They truly are, though there is, quite possibly, not a question that Loki wouldn't ask as he is always curious about the answers and the ends.]

Your child support bill must be through the roof.

[He stares stone-faced at Loki as he bursts out laughing, then at his declaration rattles off the first ten things that could go wrong statistically.

Well, he asked.]

What if they are the children of the person you were in a former life, does that still make one beholden? I'm not sure what the mortal law of the land is on child support.

[Well now, that is a very impressive list and Loki is so amused he has to add more, of course these are things that could go statistically wrong in Loki reality, which include, but are not limited to: super heroes showing up unwanted just to put an arrow in your eye (it happens), an alien invasion, an inter-dimensional zombie apocalypse (he's seen it), and they could be wearing matching outfits (the horror)!

Loki has a sick sense of humor.]

[M gives a shrug.]

Wouldn't know. I'm not exactly a philosopher. I see the world in statistics and probability.

[...As well as violence and death. Things that hardly seem suitable to blurt out the dinner table. M might not be the most familiar with small talk, but he's learned at least that much. "Killing Machine" talk is strictly for sarcastic situations.]

All of those are probably far more likely than you think they are. Not highly probable, but still probable.

I'm good with there being no protocols to govern such philosophical matters. I'll do my best not to consciously create anymore, I don't think this world could handle another monster.

[Children, monsters...it's the same thing given Loki's history. And M is perfectly correct, death and violence is not something to talk about at the dinner table, it's what you talk about at the breakfast table. Honestly.]

We can cross one thing off of that list, we are far from being the Bobbsey twins. [They clearly have different taste in clothing and color schemes.] Now we just have to wait for the inter-dimensional zombie apocalypse and the endless un-dead smashing fun times.

[M opens his mouth to say something supportive, only to quickly close it again. It isn't that he doesn't think that what Loki's said is true, but rather he has no idea the proper response to something like that. Sure, he can run through millions of calculations in the blink of an eye, but that means nothing when it isn't involving caving someone's skull in.]

...I'm sure you'll be fine.

[A weak response, and he knows it. He gives the barest of smiles before taking a drink of his wine. Damn civilian social interactions.]

I have no idea who those people are or what you're implying. [Are they some kind of celebrities? Is this going back to the wearing the same outfit thing?] See, now I know you're just paying me back about the "don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to" jab a minute ago, because you're just teasing me with a good time.

Of course, what is it that they teach in your mortal educational systems abstinence-only. I wonder how that actually works out.

[Loki doesn't seem terribly put out, actually. He's never really had much parental obligation to his children. Odin threw his eldest into the ocean of Midgard...talk about an abusive grandparent. They are all entirely grown and self sufficient and he has no interest in anything more than what he has. He's interjected on the behalf of his mortal daughter, but she's alright. He has few memories of them and most of them were created in a past life under nefarious ambitions.]

Ah, well now I just have to tell you. The Bobbsey Twins are characters in a book, Mr. and Mrs. Bobbsey had two sets of twins--Nan and Bert, Freddie and Flossie...though in retrospect I suppose there's nothing Nan and Bert about us. [Too wholesome and that's just the start.] I enjoy flipping the script, but it's no fun unless you're feeling thoroughly yanked. Which begs the question, what qualifies as a good time? I'm thinking something more robust and action packed.

Never went to school, but my way of "men-only" seems to be doing a wonderful job of keeping me childless.

[That... might have been an explanation but if it was again M misses it. Okay so they're twins from some sort of book. Do the twins dress the same? Why is pop culture so annoying?]

I'm happiest when I'm breaking every bone in another man's body.

[He follows that up with a sip of wine. This is a normal thing talked about at the dinner table, right?]

Probably a good thing that you are a mortal, having man-bits isn't always fool proof depending on the pantheon.

[Let's see if Loki can disturb you before the evening ends.]

You're bringing the entertainment next time--you break bones, I'll watch. It's always more fun when it's not happening to you anyway.

[And Loki has no problem shoveling down sauerkraut as if they weren't talking about beating someone senseless.]

You know, I think I'm better off not knowing about that one.

[Especially considering Loki just admitted to having who knows how many kids. It's not a judgement thing, it's more he feels he's better off not knowing the details of how that would work.]

I'll be sure to put you on speaker.

[Really the best relationships are built on food and violence, are they not?]

Probably, but I would like to know if the whole cleaving Zeus in half with a Hammer was real or Grecian embellishment. Might have to ask Hercules...[hmmhmmhmm]...on second thought, I have a better rapport with Apollo...

[Loki actually thinks about that one...has he done anything to piss Apollo off? Probably...

...as for the unsavory details, magic is always behind the impossible and if Loki has ever had any children in that way he doesn't remember. Not that it would be part of his skill set.]

Nothing like a little ambiance to set a relaxing mood.

[That would explain much of the male bonding experience.]

[The word "Apollo" makes him sit up in his seat just a little bit straighter.]

You know Apollo? [He pauses for a second.] The actual sun god?

[It makes him wonder what his Apollo would think, meeting his namesake.]

Not many people share our sentiments on that.

[The Greek Gods get all of the recognition.]

One and the same: God of light, music, poetry, prophecy, medicine, and inspiration. He radiates heat and has this halo-y thing going for him due to his ability to manipulate energy...or it could be a Greek God thing...not entirely sure. Anyway Asgard was once at war with Olympus, but we've sorted ourselves out.

[Apollo should really thank him for the plug.]

My tastes tend to lean more towards macabre, though not depressingly so.

[More like that one very specific greek god.]

So the actual god has the little halo too... Interesting.

[He says it more to himself than anything, but still doesn't bother to drop his voice.]

Gallows humor?

[Something that Loki notices and can't help but to poke with a stick. Which is why he grabs the closest pencil and pad of paper. Something is usually within reach, and begins sketching.]

Indeed...not that I would call his little...not in an angelic sense...not that angels have halos. [None that he's seen anyway.] He's what you'd expect of a Greek God, tall, classically handsome, built like someone you'd want to try and wrestle to the floor, even though you know you lose you want to try anyway...for reasons. Tends to favor white and yellow...or gold...the whole chariot and horse bit...all true. Why didn't I come with my own chariot and horse?

[Withdrawing from the pad and laying it down on the table he came away with something that looked a bit like this, no color of course, very sketchy.]

Memory is a bit vague, but that's Apollo as I remember him.

[Not that he trusts his memories, but still.]

Yes! Gallows humor, I've been told I have issues because of it, but I've always had issues, so it's alright.

[M can't help but chuckle at the description because of how accurately it describes Andrew. Well, everything but the chariot, and thank god for that. It makes him picture Andrew googling pictures of the guy and taking fashion cues from him.]

...Is that a tiara?

[M takes the pen from Loki and flips to a new page before sketching a picture of his own. M doesn't exactly have artistic talent, but it resembles this enough in spirit.]

This is what I think of when you say Apollo.

[Translation: He knows you're curious.]

So have I, so nothing to worry about on my part.

[Loki is trying not to make a face because he sort of has one too, not quite as delicate looking and, but still. After a moment he relents and summons his...cirlet, it looks odd with his modern clothing, but he doesn't seem to care]

Most gods have some kind of head gear, often makes you think twice about headbutting.

[Loki flips between the two pages once M is done before carefully tearing them out and laying them side by side. Placing his index and middle finger on each drawing he pulls the concepts from their prospective pages. It takes a bit of creative liberty on Loki's part, but he flushes the figures out, gives them color, and he makes them look like they are real, three-dimensional, small beings. He's able to scoop them each standing on the platform of his palms, they have autonomy, they move a bit and stand without falling. It's an illusion, but it it also real, just call it weird trickster magic shit.]

Either my creative liberty is running away with me, or you have good taste.

[Loki gets it.]

Not from me, I have an iron clad stomach.

[Speaking of which, he'll set the miniature sized models on the table to wander as they please while he attends to what's left of his meal. When one of the Apollos wanders two close to the edge of the table Loki gestures with his finger to bring him back around.]

You can't fly yet, you'll look awfully silly falling to the floor.

Depends on what angle you do the headbutting.

[Trust him on this, he is a huge fan of headbutting. In fact, one day, once he goes home, he will headbutt a bullet through a demon's skull. Never doubt his headbutting skills.]

Still, there's a huge difference between yours and that guys. Yours actually seems practical.

[Any time there are spikes he's always going to be fan. He kind of misses his spikes.

M watches Loki in curiousity, idle at first but getting his full attention once Loki began to work his magic. He's seen a lot in his very eventful life, but this was a first. He looks at them from all angles, studying them, trying to figure out how it all works.]

It better be good taste... Still, you got most of his costume right. I'm impressed.

[He reaches out a finger towards the mini Apollos, only to suddenly pull it away, as if realizing it was a bad idea.]

[Loki will consider M for a moment, almost curious about this skill he possesses, but then he wisely let's it go]

I'd say give it a bash, but my body isn't as dense as it used to be.

[A fire extinguisher gave him a black eye, he's pretty sure M could do some damage.]

That's the difference between Norse Gods and Greek Gods, we're more practical. [Brag brag brag!] I'd recommend your friend change his name to Frey...but it doesn't have the same gravitas as Apollo.

[Not nearly as attractive either.

And Loki is quite a fan of his own head gear, Asgardians can get pretty outlandish, his is very simple by comparison and effectively thematic.]

I figured your Apollo was a white and yellow sort of man as well.

[Loki picks up on M's hesitance and smiles, not entirely certain where it comes from but he can guess.]

It's okay you can touch them it won't hurt and they're completely harml-

[Just as he said that both Apollos grabbed a sausage each from Loki's plate and began swinging at one another.]

I wasn't finished with that [The Olymian Apollo looked up at Loki as if to say "I'll give it back."] I don't want it back now that your little paws have been all over it...go on then, assure me victory!

[But the distraction was enough for M's Apollo to bring his own sausage down on the head of Loki's Apollo. He looked silly, now, with his head stuck inside of the sausage.]

Oh, now I'm just embarrassed.

Relax, I only hurt people who deserve it.

[And right now Loki's done nothing to deserve such treatment. Not after cooking for him.]

"Apollo" has special meaning to him. And I'd tell him if I remember any of this when I get back... only I'm fairly certain he'll never want to see my face again.

[He doesn't want to think about the possibility of Andrew showing up here. Not that Andrew couldn't handle himself in any situation he might find himself in, but because M still wasn't ready to face him again.

Not that he dwells on the thought long, because yet another first unfurls before his eyes as the two miniature Apollo's engage in a duel with... sausages. Out of everything he's seen, explaining this to a stranger seems like it would be the least believable. And he once helped fight the moon.]

Looks like my Apollo can beat the gods after all.

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