heliophilic | IC Inbox

[M gives a slight shrug at the stare. Emotions aren't his forte, but it isn't to say he doesn't possess them, or is at the very least aware of them. Besides...]

I'm not in the exact situation as you, but something similar. Like I said, I might have been normal once. When I got my implants, the mad scientists who made me wiped out my past, who I was before...

[He does a vague hand wave around himself.]

It never used to bother me. Hell, I barely thought about it until I fell for someone. Calling him normal's a stretch, but he had a past. A real name. A life besides killing bad men who deserved it. So I started thinking about it for the first time. We reached the stage where the masks came off and real names were exchanged as a courtesy. I didn't have an answer for him, so I made one up: "Lucas Trent." Sounded nice, didn't it? Pretended I was a real boy for a bit. Things were fine until I figured out that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach was guilt at constantly lying to the one guy that mattered to me.

[As M talks about his ex, his expression gets distant as he more talks to a small sun ornament on one of his bookshelves than at Loki. His gaze breaks before he says:]

So I finally told him the truth.

He was pissed of course. I knew he'd be. But he wasn't mad that what I lied about. He was mad I lied to him at all. Our lives weren't normal and I should have been more open to him. That I didn't have to hide.

What I never told him was that I didn't think there was a me beyond the nameless fight robot I was created to be. Never told him that because of him, that actually bothered me for the first time in my life.

Of course, not long after I broke everything off my "mother" had to come waltzing back into my life, demanding my help. Someone had stolen some of her precious artifacts--she collects odd science, you see. Like what she put in my head, and this apartment. Stolen some very bad weapons... And a file containing information of who I used to be. It was the first time I even knew she had the damn thing.

Story that's gone way longer than intended short, that one two punch made me realize that I had to figure out who I was, and what part of me I wanted to present to the world. They put into perspective that the only part of me I could change was the me in the present, and that I personally better damn well like that guy. I don't know who I was before Midnighter, and I know Lucas Trent was a lie. But M... M's who I am. And I love being me.

[Loki tends to think of feelings in terms of abstracts, technically he's a three year old blank slate who only relates to feelings in terms of what his past experiences were and what the child Loki felt. He's developed some feelings of his own, like guilt, guilt was exclusive to this iteration and it made him feel...wrong. Affinity also made him feel wrong, but he developed that during his time on Earth as well, for the Young Avengers, for the small things...like music, electronic devices, various fomrs of entertainment. It would be a way of knowing people.

Falling for someone like that? He is unable to relate to such an experience, even from his past iteration, he presently loves his brother, but it's not the same thing...and evil Loki...well. Love was an expectation, a debt owed, or an arrangement made. His previous iteration tricked his wife into becoming his wife and then resented her for any affection she showed him...that was not an example. So he can only try to absorb such things from the experiences of others like Billy and Teddy and their whole love saving the universe thing...he's not allowed to be completely nauseated by the idea according to Ms. America.]

It's something to aspire to, the whole loving one's self thing...I assume it's not a narcissistic, selfish thing, but something healthier than that. Given that I'm only three years old I'm absorbing a lot of information very quickly love is a strange thing, yes? The minutiae surrounding the concept is a bit difficult, but that seems like something to aspire to, loving yourself...mayhem is bad, but mischief has merit. [Loki does snort a small laugh to himself.] I'm not sure I'll ever have your stones though...telling Thor the truth, I don't think I can do that...probably because I'm 75% certain he'll try to kill me 25% certain he'll forgive me...not sure I can deal with that either.

[So. Does he pat M on the shoulder? Is he supposed to kiss his forehead? That was a very painful story he just told Loki, especially telling Loki. He fidgets trying to figure that one out and hen settles for folding his hands on tom of one another as they rest on the table, smiling instead. Not the twisted smile full of mischief, but something sincere.]

That does make you pretty amazing though.

It's about finding what you like and who you like to do it with, and how those things make up part of who you are. It's a game of trial and error and sometimes you mess up badly, even when you can see how everything ends. And yeah, it's very strange, and I'm including vampires and your magical paper people, but I've never let strange stop me.

[He doesn't let anything stop him, not really.]

I'm not claiming to tell you what to do, or to give you any kind of advice. I'm just telling you what worked for me, and if it works for you too great. If not, throw it away.

[While it's true the story was painful, he's long ago accepted pain as a part of life. After all, when you're created to be a killing machine you become intimately familiar with the sensation. M's just seen it as one more thing to beat into submission, so while it certainly affects him the same as everyone else, he refuses to dwell on it.]

So you say. You're pretty amazing yourself. Maybe not with emotions, but the things you can do aren't something to just write off.

[For the first time since the conversation got personal, M seems to notice the packages on his island, and realizes they've careened into some pretty serious territory for what he thinks is supposed to be a lighthearted holiday.]

Well with that all said why don't we maybe move to something a little less depressing. If you've got some time I could order in from somewhere, and I've got some movies and some sort of video game doohickey hooked up to the TV.

[Loki is not one to discard things so easily, at least not this iteration. It might not be advice, but Loki considers his words anyway and while he doesn't possess M's ability to see how things end, Loki knows how things end in his case. Messing something up inevitable...he lies. Not always. Sometimes he's very honest it's just a lot harder since subterfuge is part of his nature, strategy, and survival. He can be selfish too tending to do things based on self-interest, but every now and then he will trip himself up and do things for the sake of someone else.

Loki would require an extreme amount of patience with his flaws, something he's aware of, and then there is nothing in his experience by which to compare.]

I'll give your seriousness some serious thought.

[He can promise that much especially after M took the time to explain all of this to Loki and the trickster wouldn't deny that they had certain similarities that forced him to pay attention.]

Oh, well, don't stroke my ego too much. My head might inflate and that would make it difficult to get through doors.

[And Loki making a joke at is own expense means things are tacking a turn towards levity.]

I have all the time there is...[Loki was about to make a few recommendations, what with his wallet tucked in his back pocket but then M uttered the word doohickey and Loki was trying not to lose it.]...doohickey he says? Alright, let's order something and you can show me your doohickey, I'll turn it on and see what we have to work with. If it's a disappointing doohickey then movies are an excellent plan B.

[No. Loki doesn't have a filter, he just says shit as it comes to him.]

That's all I ask.

[He finally takes Dragprawn off his shoulders, and the little shrimp scurries off to go attack a stuffed chew toy.]

Luckily I can make my own Doors bigger to get you out of my apartment. Beyond that you'd be on your own.

[Look you're lucky he knows how to turn the TV on. That was part of his whole self-reflection time. After all, fight robots don't play video games. He heads over to the bookshelves to point out the console.]

Look, someone wanted to play kooky kart racing or something and got pissed when I kept beating him. I haven't touched it since.

[Better the toy than Loki's leg.]

Oh, how utterly unfeeling of you, just inflate my head and throw me out into the world of uncompromising doors so that I might fend for myself.

[It's fortunate that Loki is very much in tuned with technology, machines are easier to manipulate and trick than people, truth be told. They didn't have the ability to be discerning, they just follow their purpose.]

I can see that. [Loki smooths a hand over the machine just to get rid of the trace amount of dust before deftly hooking everything up.] That does give me something to strive for, doesn't it? Let's see if I can succeed where he could not.

[Loki cannot promise to play fair.]

Fight robot, remember?

[Though his smirk betrays that there is much more to him than just that.]

Doubtful. I already see how this is going to end.

Excuses.

[And you give it away so very easily.]

What you're seeing is my inevitable victory and I hope you've come to terms with it and the grandiloquent victory dance that is sure to follow.

[Smug little bastard that he is, but Loki is determined to throw a few surprises out there regardless of his wins or losses.

A few more adjustments and Loki is ready to go, perching on floor with his back against the sofa.]

[M grabs a controller of his own and join's Loki on the floor.]

Bring it then.

Throwing down the gauntlet.

[Loki settles in, drawing his knees up in anticipation as he waits for the rigmarole that is the game's opening sequence to do it's thing before starting the first round. This isn't about winning or losing for Loki, at least not this round, this is about understanding the mechanics of the game.

That isn't to say he doesn't play like a champion, he's really good when it comes to video games, his fascination with human technology had given him quite an obsession with video games.]

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