heliophilic | IC Inbox

I'd ask if you were joking, but in my world someone thought it was a brilliant idea to dress up like a giant bat and call himself "Batman," so I'm aware of how low the bar can be.

[Poking fun at superheroes? Loki likes this game!]

Batman...Batman...I suppose it could be worse. You could accidentally fuse a bunch of metal arms to your back and christen yourself Doctor Octopus. He's a super-villain though...villains are just as bad...oh! Ant-Man! He wears this helmet [and Loki holds his fingers to his head, mimicking antennae] complete with antennae. I'm not entirely certain of the purpose other than being thematically correct.

How about a guy who straps a pair of wings on his back and a spiky helmet on his head and calls himself Hawkman? He doesn't even bother with a shirt. We also have a guy who watched too many Robin Hood movies as a kid so he more or less dresses up like the guy and calls himself "Green Arrow."

Oh, I've got one. We've got a guy who more or less only does the "superhero" gig to sell ads, and for some reason he calls himself Booster Gold.

[It's a good thing that neither one of them is meta enough to comment on the bat asses and bat nipples of "Batman and Robin".]

Hawkman comes dangerously close to Hawkeye...I wonder if there is some sort of copyright arrangement between superheroes? Do you have to pay for the rights to use their taglines?

Hawkeye's horny purple suit was awful though, it took away from his brilliant marksmanship. I suppose that's the price of bad fashion sense. Thor had a Metal Band period that will be forever burned into my memory: crop tops, thigh tights, and some sort of bizarre apparatus covering the kielbasa.

[Poor word choice, but they were just eating sausages and they'd already established the phallic imagery involved.]

Booster Gold...that's pretty bad, that's disco bad, vinyl jumpsuits and glittery shirts bad. I get the feeling that's what he wore...am I close?

[Oh Dick would never hear the end of it.]

Does he dress up like a shirtless hawk too?

[Ah. That answers that.]

Your world seems to win in the "creative" costume department. The worst I can think of is a bat villain who dresses up like a naughty white bunny to rob banks.

[M snorts.]

Oh I wish. No, blue jumpsuit with a gold upside down triangle on the chest with a blue star in the middle, and pointless gold lines across his arms.. He's got one of those dumb masks that ends at his hairline, and goggles instead of a mask.

No, but I think it would have been an improvement. Fortunately he's made the switch to classic black. Black is difficult to get wrong, you'd have to be very determined.

[Not impossible though.]

Sounds impractical, I'm not sure I can wrap my mind around skimpy superhero and villain costumes...though costumes make it sound as though they are playing closet. I'm thinking practical, flexible armor, covering as many vulnerable points as possible. Some make it entirely too easy.

[And who can fight in heels?]

Sounds very cheap.

[One day ask M about his old outfit and see if you still think it's impossible to get black wrong, Loki.]

Glad to see we're on the same page there. A different bat villain--Catwoman--wears a bodysuit with the zipper to her navel. Look, I think people should dress however they want in any situation, but if I'm robbing a house or whatever she does, personally I'd want to make sure nothing would pop out in my escape.

Speaking of personally, my work clothes are made out of carbon fiber armor, same as the rest of me.

[Shame. Shame. Shame. Granted Loki's predecessor did wear the pony-helmet and far more green and gold than should ever be allowed.]

No! She must be related to reformed burglar, miss Black-Cat, black body suit, zipper to the navel...though the way she wears it you're almost afraid her bust is going to bust. Not that I don't appreciate a good burgle, participated in a few, but I don't think showing off my man bosoms would give me the same advantage in the event of getting caught.

[Disappointing, he might not be pillowy, but he does alright.]

Well now there's something I wouldn't mind seeing, your armor, not the rest of you, of course I'm curious about that as well because carbon fiber but...right. [Awkward, allow Loki to segue.] I can't say that about my armor, but it is Dwarven made! [See, that's exciting.]

I think that would entirely depend upon who's trying to catch you.

[M would still stop him in this hypothetical, but it might be just the tiniest bit distracting.]

My my, not even done with dinner and you're already asking to see me with my shirt off. How forward you gods are.

But to use my masculine wiles in such a way would be morally bankrupt. It would spit in the face of truth, justice, fair play...and a bunch of other rot.

[Because Loki places such moralities on pedestal, you see, he cares deeply about fair play!]

You've rooted me out. Dinner was a clever ruse, my opening move, to disguise my thinly veiled designs of conquest. What a terribly, transparent creature I am, a bad, bad man.

[He might as well go with it now.]

Clearly. Nothing good can come from buttering me up with sausages and paper-based entertainment.

[He smirks, but decides to let Loki off the hook.]

But to answer your unasked question, my muscles are coated in carbon fiber.

Oh you've dashed my dreams, I was hoping we could end the evening with nothing good.

[And Loki has his inquisitive face on.]

You must be expensive. [Because how much did it cost to coat M's muscles in carbon fiber.] And durable. I know a man who's skeleton was fused with adamantium, a nearly indestructible alloy. I think the only other alloy that can rival it is vibranium...maybe. Though I am assuming that these metals exist where you are from, I probably should not.

Between that and the hardware in my brain, I'm sure I was.

[Not that he has any idea what the cost was.]

Can't say I've heard of either before. Still, if the guy is coated in metal, moving must be a bitch.

Well, high maintenance, aren't we?

[There must be a reason M looks so cocky.]

Hmm...as far as alloy's go I'm sure it is stronger than steel, and it could probably cut through most metals and alloys...tungsten, titanium. [He's bucking the odds that some of these are familiar.] You're right, he is heavy, his super strength is what keeps him walking without excess strain.

Do I not look like a diva to you?

[Hard not to be confident when you know how everything is going to end.]

Seems like you can't swing a stick without hitting someone with super strength in a world with superheroes.

Like an episode of RuPaul's Drag Race.

[Probably not a reference he would get, but the inferences are there. You're a Queen M.]

It's the go-to super power, I was stripped of mine when I got here, stripped of many abilities actually. I suppose I'm alright with not being a cliche.

[What can he say? He knows how to work it.]

I've heard of the porter giving people powers, but not taking them away.

It could be a malfunction on my part, but I doubt it.

[He's just that confident.]

I had a number of abilities and strengths before arriving, but I've been reduced to illusions and astral projection. [His invisibility coat is still his secret.] I could lift 50 tons, I had superdense tissue which made me very heavy and very durable, a had a healing factor so sublime I could reattach severed limbs--my own head at one point, I could exert myself at peak limitations for up to a day without tiring, I could shape-shift, and my sorcery could bend reality...I turned all of the cars in New York to ice cream. Ah, but the shape-shifting was fun and funny, if you can picture this body with the head of a fox. Then there's my seven league boots and my Sword of Truth, ah, my wonderful, magically imbued gifts to myself...

...I figure that it's too convenient to be mere coincidence.

[He leans forward as Loki lists off his abilities, listening intently.]

Probably not. Something tells me that whoever brought us here wanted your mischief to be more.. manageable.

Now why would anyone want to curtail my mischief? Do they not understand that this world would be a better place if I'm not inhibited? What is this world hunger? We have perfectly good cars just waiting to be turned into ice cream. So many problems could be easily solved by turning fools into frogs.

Perhaps they do understand these things and they have no wish to have their problems solved, I would be such a benevolent overlord. [You've quite possibly hit the nail on the head though, Loki.] Well, alright, I suppose I can see the point.

That's the pity about some people.

[M leans back.]

They have no imagination.

[It's Loki's turn to lean forward.]

Oh? What scenarios are playing out in your imagination? Not frogs and ice cream cars I suspect.

Oh no, nothing fun like that.

[...WEll, okay, it's kind of fun for him. But "millions of ways to kill you and anyone else I make eye contact with" doesn't seem to be appropriate dinner conversation.]

I'm afraid I'm not one for imagination either.

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