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[heliophilic]

This is M. I'm most likely out punching someone. Don't worry, they deserve it.

Probably.

I'll call you back later.

TEXT | VOICE | VIDEO

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[heliophilic]

I keep moving. I do my good Midnighter deeds and block it out until it goes away.

[h2no]

[he looks down, worrying his hands for a moment.]

Does it go away?

[heliophilic]

I eventually find something else to think about.

[That's not a yes.]

[h2no]

[he just exhales.]

Yeah. I get that. [he cocks his head.] Anyone from back home you want in here? That John Wormsmoor weirdo?

[heliophilic]

Jack Hawksmoor. And no. Jack's a nice guy and all, but we weren't exactly close.

[Because he kept everyone at Stormwatch at arms length, focusing solely on the mission at the expense of the people he was sharing that mission with.

He sighs, realizing now that, much like Angie that one time she asked him if he was happy with Stormwatch (before she turned completely batshit crazy thanks to that devolver nonsense), Archie's doing the same thing right here, right now.]

You're worried about me, Archie.

[He meant it as a question, but it didn't come out as such. Just a statement of fact. Archie cares about him, and now he's worried.]

[h2no]

Fair.

[he crosses his arms, looks away for a moment, then back to m, concern clear in his expression.]

Of course I am. You're one of my best friends, M. I love you as family. [he reaches out cautiously, fingertips brushing over m's forearm.] I'd do anything if it might help, even for a few minutes.

[heliophilic]

[M reaches over and gives Archie a hug. It's a little stiff, but he's trying. He honestly can't remember the last time he's done this to someone that he wasn't dating.]

I'm still trying to figure out how to talk to people. Sometimes when I joke about it, I don't think people understand exactly what it is I'm saying to them, or think that I'm exaggerating. I've just... started to stop thinking about trying to get someone to understand me.

[h2no]

[archie shifts, looping his arm around m's waist. it's alright. at least he's trying. he clearly appreciates the gesture.]

You're worth understanding, and you're worth knowing. What happens when you think about not joking about it, and just saying it?

[heliophilic]

I... don't think people would understand. It doesn't bother me--[really, it doesn't!]--but I've learned to most people it's too much.

[h2no]

It can be hard to know who to confide in. Especially in a place like this.

[he sighs.]

It's a blessing and a curse.

[heliophilic]

Even here--even... Andrew. He never got it either.

[Apollo might, a little voice in his head whispers. Nope, not even remotely going there right now.]

People think that I'm joking or being metaphorical when I tell them that I was made to be a weapon, and that I have to fight every second of every day to be anything else.

[h2no]

Hearing what they want to hear, huh?

[he looks over.]

I'm sorry. I had no idea you struggled with Andrew as well. You never stopped trying, even with all that, huh?

[heliophilic]

Sometimes I wonder if it's that... other times I wonder if it's just too much. Too much to comprehend.

[He looks over at Archie.]

He was the first person to see me for who I could be. And despite our fuckups, he loved me, and I loved him. That's something to fight for.

[h2no]

Don't know. Probably the best not to theorise on 'em.

[archie nods firmly.]

Somethin' to hold onto. [kinda makes his own admission that he loves m, even platonically, feel a bit weird?] Do you have people you want to understand that don't?

[heliophilic]

The people that I care for.

[A pause.]

Like you. Do you get it?

[h2no]

[there's something in his expression that might indicate he didn't... expect m to ask. or at least admit he cares? archie's dumb.]

I'm really trying to. [else they wouldn't be here.] I want to do right by you.

[heliophilic]

I know.

[And Archie will never know just how much M appreciates that.]

But do you understand what I mean by I spend every second thinking about murder, whether I want to or not?

[h2no]

Brain-computer and what you were made for, right? [he asks, cautiously. low-key terrified of being wrong.]

[heliophilic]

[A nod.]

And I can't turn it off. I can temporarily tune it out, I can trick it to temporarily think of something else, but it's always there talking to me.

[h2no]

You don't ever stop trying, though. That's more than what the people who put it in you expected, isn't it?

[he can't imagine they ever expected any of this-- not being an import, but m growing beyond it all, even if he feels he hasn't.]

[heliophilic]

[M snorts at that.]

Henry Bendix is the world's biggest bastard. [Multiverse's biggest bastard, actually, by the sound of it.] He doesn't want weapons that think. He wants weapons that act.

[Which is why he was glad that the Gardener got him in the "divorce". For all of Andrew's justifiable issues with her, he knew that deep down.... somewhere she did care about him, in her own way.]

Gardener... She didn't mind the free will. She's like one of those little old ladies that just wants to help the cats, until she suddenly has a space station filled with cats. And then the old lady wants to use those cats to go after anyone that doesn't spay or neuter their pets.

[He may have lost his metaphor, but the thought still amuses him just the same.]

But at the end of the day, she still wanted me to fall in line with her way of thinking. And I didn't.

[h2no]

I never asked... where are you at when you were Ported in? What's life back home like for you?

[this all seems to be in the past, so what's in store for m now? he knows the stuff with andrew was reflective of things at home, but what about everything else?]

[heliophilic]

I'm living on my own, freshly single after making a mistake on an ex-boyfriend.

[Fuck you, Prometheus.]

My apartment here is pretty much identical to the one back home, minus the petting zoo.

[After all, why mess with a good thing.]

I'd started to figure out all the human parts of me for real.

[h2no]

You're doing it pretty well.

[he's hesitant like he's not sure if he should say what he's about to say.]

You know... it fucking hurts more than anything, but making mistakes like that is just about the epitome of dumbass humanity.

[heliophilic]

You dated a guy who turned out to have stolen your past from you, only got close to study you, and literally stabbed you in the chest when he was done with you?

[He knows what Archie means, and doesn't mean to come off quite so bitter... but his anger is squarely at Matt--at Prometheus.]

You know what pissed me off more than all of that? All I could think of after was how much I fucked up with Andrew. Again.