heliophilic | IC Inbox

Sometimes I wonder if it's that... other times I wonder if it's just too much. Too much to comprehend.

[He looks over at Archie.]

He was the first person to see me for who I could be. And despite our fuckups, he loved me, and I loved him. That's something to fight for.

Don't know. Probably the best not to theorise on 'em.

[archie nods firmly.]

Somethin' to hold onto. [kinda makes his own admission that he loves m, even platonically, feel a bit weird?] Do you have people you want to understand that don't?

The people that I care for.

[A pause.]

Like you. Do you get it?

[there's something in his expression that might indicate he didn't... expect m to ask. or at least admit he cares? archie's dumb.]

I'm really trying to. [else they wouldn't be here.] I want to do right by you.

I know.

[And Archie will never know just how much M appreciates that.]

But do you understand what I mean by I spend every second thinking about murder, whether I want to or not?

Brain-computer and what you were made for, right? [he asks, cautiously. low-key terrified of being wrong.]

[A nod.]

And I can't turn it off. I can temporarily tune it out, I can trick it to temporarily think of something else, but it's always there talking to me.

You don't ever stop trying, though. That's more than what the people who put it in you expected, isn't it?

[he can't imagine they ever expected any of this-- not being an import, but m growing beyond it all, even if he feels he hasn't.]

[M snorts at that.]

Henry Bendix is the world's biggest bastard. [Multiverse's biggest bastard, actually, by the sound of it.] He doesn't want weapons that think. He wants weapons that act.

[Which is why he was glad that the Gardener got him in the "divorce". For all of Andrew's justifiable issues with her, he knew that deep down.... somewhere she did care about him, in her own way.]

Gardener... She didn't mind the free will. She's like one of those little old ladies that just wants to help the cats, until she suddenly has a space station filled with cats. And then the old lady wants to use those cats to go after anyone that doesn't spay or neuter their pets.

[He may have lost his metaphor, but the thought still amuses him just the same.]

But at the end of the day, she still wanted me to fall in line with her way of thinking. And I didn't.

I never asked... where are you at when you were Ported in? What's life back home like for you?

[this all seems to be in the past, so what's in store for m now? he knows the stuff with andrew was reflective of things at home, but what about everything else?]

I'm living on my own, freshly single after making a mistake on an ex-boyfriend.

[Fuck you, Prometheus.]

My apartment here is pretty much identical to the one back home, minus the petting zoo.

[After all, why mess with a good thing.]

I'd started to figure out all the human parts of me for real.

You're doing it pretty well.

[he's hesitant like he's not sure if he should say what he's about to say.]

You know... it fucking hurts more than anything, but making mistakes like that is just about the epitome of dumbass humanity.

You dated a guy who turned out to have stolen your past from you, only got close to study you, and literally stabbed you in the chest when he was done with you?

[He knows what Archie means, and doesn't mean to come off quite so bitter... but his anger is squarely at Matt--at Prometheus.]

You know what pissed me off more than all of that? All I could think of after was how much I fucked up with Andrew. Again.

[likewise, archie knows what m is getting at but it doesn't stop him wincing at his words.]

Yeah. [he sighs.] You know, even if you two make up, it'll probably weigh on your mind. Hurting people we love is a special kind of regret.

It weighed on my mind here, I can't imagine if it were possible for us to get back together back home that it would be any different.

[A pause.]

You know... The last couple years I've come to realize a lot about myself, and with it... I'm realizing that the me I used to be wasn't as happy with his life as he thought he was. If he'd known then what I know now... I think that what happened with me and Andrew would have turned out different.

Bein' here is a blessing and a curse in that way. Taken out of time into a little pocket where anythin' can happen.

[he shifts, sitting closer to m. the simulation is warm, but... look. nothing beats sittin' by a bro.]

...I'm sorry you didn't get enough time with him here. [and boy is he sorry he ruined a big chunk of it.]

It's more time with him than I've had in a long time.

I didn't realize how much I missed being off-kilter.

Change is hard. Even a change that's nothing but good for you.

[he gives m's hand a squeeze.]

You didn't go back to how you were, right? Through all this impossibility you still held on.

[M kind of chuckles bitterly at that.]

Yeah, funny you should say that. The me that you're used to? All of that I figured out after I left Andrew. He met "M" after you did.

Fucking hell.

[it's out before he can stop it and archie frowns at himself, looking down at his hands.]

It-- he met you, though, didn't he? And you got together.

[He nods.]

Yeah. And I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Have I ever told you about Lucas Trent? Or Andrew? Did he ever talk about it?

[he nods, sullenly.]

You told me about it just after Andrew ported out, aye. When I told you what I did to Matt.

[He nods, remembering now.]

It's pretty much the only time I've ever lied to anyone. He told me otherwise, but some days I still wonder if he loved the idea of Lucas more than he loved the actual me.

And even if he did love me for me... It's very hard to come back from finding out a good portion of what you thought you loved was a lie.

[The thought is a lie, but that doesn't stop it from gnawing away at him.]

[he exhales gently, leaning over to rest his head on m's shoulder.]

It's all out in the open now. That has to be better than still living the lie, right? [he glances over.] Nothing compares to you, M. Not even Trent.

I definitely don't miss the lie.

[He hesitantly reaches up and pats Archie on the arm.]

I'm just... worried the lie ruined us in the long run.

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