heliophilic | IC Inbox

It weighed on my mind here, I can't imagine if it were possible for us to get back together back home that it would be any different.

[A pause.]

You know... The last couple years I've come to realize a lot about myself, and with it... I'm realizing that the me I used to be wasn't as happy with his life as he thought he was. If he'd known then what I know now... I think that what happened with me and Andrew would have turned out different.

Bein' here is a blessing and a curse in that way. Taken out of time into a little pocket where anythin' can happen.

[he shifts, sitting closer to m. the simulation is warm, but... look. nothing beats sittin' by a bro.]

...I'm sorry you didn't get enough time with him here. [and boy is he sorry he ruined a big chunk of it.]

It's more time with him than I've had in a long time.

I didn't realize how much I missed being off-kilter.

Change is hard. Even a change that's nothing but good for you.

[he gives m's hand a squeeze.]

You didn't go back to how you were, right? Through all this impossibility you still held on.

[M kind of chuckles bitterly at that.]

Yeah, funny you should say that. The me that you're used to? All of that I figured out after I left Andrew. He met "M" after you did.

Fucking hell.

[it's out before he can stop it and archie frowns at himself, looking down at his hands.]

It-- he met you, though, didn't he? And you got together.

[He nods.]

Yeah. And I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Have I ever told you about Lucas Trent? Or Andrew? Did he ever talk about it?

[he nods, sullenly.]

You told me about it just after Andrew ported out, aye. When I told you what I did to Matt.

[He nods, remembering now.]

It's pretty much the only time I've ever lied to anyone. He told me otherwise, but some days I still wonder if he loved the idea of Lucas more than he loved the actual me.

And even if he did love me for me... It's very hard to come back from finding out a good portion of what you thought you loved was a lie.

[The thought is a lie, but that doesn't stop it from gnawing away at him.]

[he exhales gently, leaning over to rest his head on m's shoulder.]

It's all out in the open now. That has to be better than still living the lie, right? [he glances over.] Nothing compares to you, M. Not even Trent.

I definitely don't miss the lie.

[He hesitantly reaches up and pats Archie on the arm.]

I'm just... worried the lie ruined us in the long run.

That's... something that won't really be evident until you've lived it.

[which is very unfortunate, but the way it is for a lot of imports.]

It just makes being here a special kind of torture, I guess.

Now you see my dilemma.

[M screws his eyes shut for a few seconds, before glancing Archie's way.]

You know how I told you about my ex? The one that stabbed me? He literally did steal my past from me. My origin file. The son of a bitch even built a house using memories I no longer have. [Seriously, fuck you Prometheus.] I wrecked the house with Matt's--with Prometheus'--body pretty thoroughly, but after the asshole ran away a few things were unscathed.

In the rubble I found a picture. Apparently I lived in one of those houses where my parents hung a museum's worth of pictures of me on the walls. Most of them were completely burnt, but this one was mostly in tact, just charred around the edges. It looked like me, maybe 8 or 10 or maybe 13... I'm terrible with ages.

I gave framed it, wrapped it, and left it in Andrew's apartment. I didn't go in--I knew he wasn't home-- just opened a Door and tossed it onto what should have been his bed. He didn't poke his head in to check. He had argued that he didn't know the real me... I figured it was the least I could do.

[There's another long pause. He's never admitted this to anyone before.]

What I didn't tell him... what I didn't tell anyone... was that I hid a receiver in the frame. One way--my implants to the frame; I'm not eavesdropping. It broadcasts on a special frequency... for an emergency.

It's been three years and I'm still trying to figure out why the fuck I did that. I'm...

[He's got nothing, so he just falls into silence.]

Hey-- c'mon.

[he wraps his arm around m's shoulder again, pulling him in close.]

Sometimes we do stupid shit that we don't understand in hindsight that made perfect sense in the moment. I'm not sayin' that makes it okay or how you feel shouldn't matter, but... that's just how it some times.

[he doesn't know if m wanted him to give a good answer, but all he can do is what he always does: try his best for the poor guy.]

I don't even know if he kept the frame or tossed it the second he saw it.

Would... knowing even make you feel better about the whole thing?

[M just shrugs and leans against Archie. It isn't that he doesn't want to answer Archie, or is avoiding the question... he just genuinely doesn't know.

The only time he ever second guesses himself is whenever he's trying to navigate his own emotions.]

[fortunately, he gets it. he didn't expect an answer and not getting one certainly isn't encouraging him to press more.

he just raises his hand and puts it on m's shoulder, rubbing it gently. it's okay. they can sit quietly for a bit.]

[M just sits there in silence for a while, leaning up against Archie, before finally saying:]

...Sorry. For making you worry.

Don't be.

[he gives m a squeeze.]

I'd worry even if you were living the best life possible. It's what friends do.

I'm not used to being on the other side of this, you know.

Time to try, huh?

[a pause, his smile falls.]

Look, if I ever overstep... you can tell me off, alright? Just because I'm trying to help doesn't mean I can't do anything wrong.

[M just shakes his head.]

You aren't. I've just... spent my entire life--my entire Midnighter life--seeing myself as the monster that fights the other monsters. The moongoose in a room full of cobras.

I'm not used to someone feeling the need to protect me.

Besides... you've made me realize a few things about myself today.

It's never too late to grow beyond what you were made to be. You've always been more than that.

[he looks over, interest in his expression.]

Oh?

Edited (wording didnt seem great) 2019-05-16 18:40 (UTC)

Andrew used to say the same thing. I'm only just starting to believe it.

[He'll always be a murder machine, but he can be a murder machine with the occasional life. He thinks, anyway].

Did Andrew ever tell you anything about Stormwatch?

[Because M doubts he said anything. He barely talks about that time in his life, even when he's being open about himself.]

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