heliophilic | IC Inbox

In the beginning he came after me personally.

[M looks directly at Andrew. He can't rely on the other man's words, he has to see the truth in his body language too. He needs to know that the doppelganger was lying.]

It's news to me that you aren't a fan of me trying to rediscover my human side.

[Personal attacks seem to be in line with what Archie told him about his own experience. But M's next statement truly takes him completely by surprise. His eyes widen and his mouth drops open, voiceless at first.]

...What? He came after you for that?

[He shakes his head.]

M. I don't feel that way. You have to know that. I've always tried to be supportive of you figuring things out.

[M wants to believe in Andrew's horror. It looked and felt authentic. But he can't shake the doppel's words in his mind, coming out so easily from his boyfriend's mouth.

They had to come from somewhere.]

Choice quotes include:

"you're trying to be civilized now."

"I'm referring to the mask you're wearing now. The one of a man striving so hard for normalcy that he sits in a cafe and has lunch while there's real work to do out there."

"There's nothing sadder then a person who has lost sight of what they really are."

And my personal favorite: "You're losing your edge. No, more like you're purposely dulling your edge. You're making yourself weak."

[The curse of his computer brain. He remembers everything.]

Edited 2018-05-16 05:10 (UTC)

[A chill goes through him as M recites the words that he knows must have come verbatim from the mouth of his doppelganger. That knot in his gut clenches just a little tighter and he tries to think.

Everything that the doppelganger said to Archie took some genuine hurt or anger that he'd stored up and twisted it. This has to be the same. Whatever issues he has regarding M have nothing to do with him wanting to better himself. It's just that...]

I didn't know how to feel at first...about this new you. I was proud-I am proud of you for realizing you needed to make some changes. To be better for yourself. But we'd been apart for so long that at first I didn't know if I recognized you. [He gives a helpless shrug.]

Sometimes you talk about the old you like...you wish he'd never existed. Like you're resentful or you hate that you'd been that guy. But what you never seem to consider is that that's the guy I fell in love with. And sometimes I wonder if you resent that entire part of your life. Including me. I mean, you sure couldn't cut ties quick enough.

[The lingering bitterness is a surprise even for him. He'd thought they'd moved past this. Hashed all this out. But there's always been a lingering doubt in the back of his head that...this could all vanish again one. Poof. And he'd never see it coming. He doesn't have M's foresight about these things.

But he can't keep holding onto bitterness or what-ifs, and he can't pretend that this sense of anticipation hasn't been lingering inside of him since he was a kid. Since his parents abandoned him on his Aunt's doorstep and never looked back.]

But this isn't about you. Not completely. This is about the fact that I'm struggling to move on from things that I can't do anything about. That no one can fix. Something's been broken inside of me since I was a kid.

Andrew I...

[He pauses as he struggles to collect his thoughts. Implants or no implants, his mind is running faster than he can speak. All this time he'd thought he'd done a much better job of explaining himself to Andrew, but if nothing else this just proves the opposite.]

I don't resent my past. That me is still me. It's just... before you, when I was just the Midnighter, my world was like this. [He cups his hands into a small circle.] I knew there was more to it than that, but I had no interest in seeing it. Work was the only thing that mattered to me. That's all I did, all I wanted to do.

Then I saw your handiwork for the first time. At first it was... workplace admiration, for lack of a better word. No matter how hard I'd try to track you down to meet you, you were always one step ahead of me. As you know, that doesn't happen very often, and it only made me want to meet you more.

[His hands open wider ever so slowly.]

When I finally tracked you down, you were even more beautiful up close. But I wasn't going to screw up a good thing by a stupid little thing called feelings get in the way of work. Not until I realized I actually had a chance with you... and it hit me, for the first time, there was something in this world that I cared about more than the one thing I was made for.

[The circle widens.]

It wasn't until I had you that I realized just how out of my depth that I was. And I don't mean being out of your league--which, let's be honest, I am. What I mean is... My "parents" are fucking Henry Bendix and the Gardener. What do I know about normal relationships? [He quickly continues.] Yes, I know we've talked about this before Andrew and I don't mean that I thought you expected a normal relationship--as true as it is. But in this sense I just mean connecting with another human being. I had assets, not friends.

Which is why I invented Lucas, the only time in my life I've worn a mask. I hated lying to you, but once I started and the little things kept adding up, I felt I was in too deep and couldn't stop.

[M stops staring at his hands to look up at Andrew.]

You have to understand that I never lied to you about what mattered. Never. Not about my feelings, or anything that you asked me in earnest. The only things I lied about were stupid things--music, food, clothes... things I had no opinion on before then. You remember that night you decided we should have a quiet night in, and made grilled kielbasa with red potatoes and onions because "it was easy"? Consider that the start of Ms Gems.

[He starts to move his hands wider more rapidly now, before suddenly stopping.]

If I'd been honest with you from the start, I could have shared with you that every day you were expanding my world just a little bit wider... that I fucked that up is the only part of my past--of the "old me" as you put it--I regret.

Everything else I've said to you before. I didn't know what parts of Lucas were fake and what was real, what was me and what was me pretending to be what I thought you'd want. I felt scared and trapped by a fuck-up of my own design... so I ran, leaving you when I should have just manned up and asked for help.

[No matter how hard he tries to justify it to himself, he knows that's what it is.]

Even if I wanted to, I couldn't go back to the version of me that I was before. I didn't want to. I couldn't be that closed off to the world. So I just kept discovering new things on my own.

[The circle starts to expand again.]

The fight-obsessed asshole with the chinspike is still here. He just has a better wardrobe and occasionally makes pop culture references now.

[M breaks the circle to put his hand over Andrew's.] And you aren't broken, Andrew. Your parents fucked with your head at an impressionable age. That's not your fault.

[He remains silent throughout M's speech, letting him get out everything that he wants to say. While finally being able to give voice to some of his fears feels like having a weight lifted off his shoulders, he can't help but feel guilty that it had taken them getting to this point to have this discussion.

He's tried so hard to move beyond his past. To erase the terrible things his parents have done and said to him. To forget how many years he spent alone and abandoned. To shove those same feelings away when he realized that M had left and wasn't coming back.

They've discussed all the issues M had and how he wanted to work on them, but never had Andrew tried to verbalize his own. To do anything other then choke them down. Listening to M talk about how much he had inspired him and opened his worldview, he can't help but think how much stronger he is for meeting his faults head on and working to improve himself.

He stares down at the hand M covers.]

But I am. Them fucking with my head doesn't give me an excuse to continue being this messed up. You had an experience so much worse then mine and yet you're trying to do better. You're working to improve yourself. I'm just...stagnating.

[He thinks about where he had left his conversation with Archie. Each of them agreeing that they need to talk to someone about their problems. He means to make good on that.]

I'm...going to find someone to talk to. I can't just keep carrying around all this built up resentment and bitterness towards things that can't be changed. I don't want that for myself. And I don't want that for us.

[He especially doesn't want anything else going unsaid that can be turned against him.]

[M can't help but feel guilty at not thinking about Andrew's feelings. Ever since they had gotten back together, he had thought that it was something he had really worked on, and they were finally moving past M's previous failings. He hadn't considered that there might have been more issues that he could have been addressing. Understanding human nature just isn't one of those things that comes naturally to him.]

The difference between our experiences is I didn't know how fucked up it was until I was old enough not to give a shit. I thought I was normal. You always knew that you weren't being treated right.

[He squeezes Andrew's hand.]

Anything you need, Andrew, I'm gonna support. You know that, right? And that means anything you need from me too. I can't be the only one being open about these things. Tell me when something bothers you.

[He doesn't want M to feel guilty for not knowing about any of this. At the end of the day, the problem resides in Andrew, and he needs to work on himself in order to fix it. He's the only one who can change it.]

Yeah, I knew. But I thought it was my fault. And even when I got old enough to know better I never did anything about it. I never dealt with my past head-on and acknowledged all the toxic bullshit they fed me. The voices in my head that tell me I can never be good enough.

[He stares down at M's hand in his and can't help but feel like he's standing on a ledge, about to tumble over. Because there's more that he hasn't told M. Something that bothers him. That keeps him up some nights, too afraid to close his eyes and be there again. The other reason he needs to talk to someone so desperately.

But first he needs to talk to M.]

Um...there is something else I need to tell you. [He swallows.] During the last year I've been here...I've died.

I'm pretty good at silencing voices.

[His response is quiet, and he keeps his voice just light enough so Andrew knows that while he's at least joking about the methods, he's genuine about wanting to help him silence those voices.

And then he finally says what he's been wanting to hear since he first heard about it a month ago.

M isn't sure if he's angry or relieved when Andrew finally tells him about what happened in the past, after first hearing it from the clone, and then getting most of the details filled in by Archie. Angry because he doesn't know if it wasn't for the clone they wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place, and relieved because it seems that Andrew finally trusts him.

Regardless, at the news he visibly stiffens and slowly looks up to meet Andrew's gaze.]

...I've... heard.

Edited 2018-06-07 19:00 (UTC)

[His responding smile is small, edging on sad, but also relieved. He knows that he can't fix anything without relying on himself first, but knowing that M is willing to stand by his side and help however he can makes the though of it all easier to bear.

Even with the nerves eating at him after his confession, he feels content. Maybe not quite happy yet, but a feeling that happiness is possible once they move beyond this conversation.

But that feeling quickly disappears in the face of M's admission. Andrew's eyes snap up to M's face, widened in shock. And no...no..nonono. This was supposed to be his secret. He was supposed to be the one to decide when and who to share it with. Not-]

Not from Archie. He...he would have told me. [He pauses for a moment, his face collapsing into a painful grimace.]

The...doppelganger?

[A nod.] He was all to eager to tell me all about it. Really twisted the knife and everything.

[So now he can say he's been stabbed by two boyfriends, one physically, and one emotionally.]

In the spirit of full disclosure: I cornered Archie and got him to fill in some of the blanks.

[He winces as if he was the one being cut open. Just when he thinks the worst of this conversation has come and past, another equally painful element makes itself known.]

I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner. I just...wanted to forget it all happened.

[He wants to groan when M mentions cornering Archie for information. Maybe he should be relieved. If M already knows the details that means he doesn't have to go through the process of telling him.]

...What did he tell you?

[M doesn't even have to think about it, he just immediately starts quoting the doppelganger:]

"You're losing your edge. No, more like you're purposely dulling your edge. You're making yourself weak. That must be why...

That must be why I never told you about my deaths. I tried to convince myself it was because I was protecting Archie but no. I was really protecting you. Sparing you from the fact that you could do nothing to save me. Because you've become nothing."

"Twice. Not that you would have noticed."

"Do you want to know how I died? Every last excruciating detail?"

"Are you sure you don't want to know? All about the agony I was in? The way it happened and who was responsible?"

"What's going on is I'm finally telling you things that I should have told you awhile ago. Because you're right, I should have come to you when all of this happened. But I guess... I guess at that point I still wasn't sure how much I trusted you not to hurt me again. Archie just seemed like a better bet in those regards."

"Only that he was involved both times I met my demise. Once he was even the cause of it. But you could say both were kind of his fault. If I hadn't been so preoccupied trying to save him from first his incompetence and then from himself then maybe I would have been spared."

That's all the pertinent information.

[M finally does pause now, staring over at Andrew, his expression unreadable.]

I'm going to tell you what I told him: Andrew, I know I haven't been the most emotional person you've met, but I thought... I'd really hoped you'd know by now that I'm here for you. You're the strongest person I know, but that doesn't mean you have to hold it all in.

[He looks down at his hands, falling into a longer, deeper pause before looking up again.]

I have to ask--how is hiding this from me any different than what I did to you? I'm not talking about how I fucked it all up; I will always fully own that. I made the situation worse. What I'm talking about is the part where I didn't want you to know how broken I felt, and that somehow I was in the wrong for keeping it from you.

[He allows the words to roll over him, eyes glued down to the floor, as M recites the hateful words. Underneath all the guilt and heartache a strong pulse of anger is trying to boil its way to the top. Anger at the doppelganger for using his face and his voice to deliver that steaming bowl of crap M's way. To reveal his secrets in lies and partial truths. To cut down M in the places where he's vulnerable.

By the end his hands have curled into fists and his lips have drawn together in a hard line. If he ever finds that little shit he's dead.]

...Definitely not the way I would have worded it. His bedsides manner is shit.

[He doesn't mean to be flippant at such a dire time but he needs M to know that he's been fed a version of the facts that isn't his own. Even if his own fears and insecurities have gotten them to this point, he never viewed M spitefully.]

It's not. [M has done his best to own up to his own bullshit, the least Andrew can do is do the same.] I shouldn't have kept things from you. Especially something as big and awful as my deaths. And I should never have made Archie promise not to tell you. I put your friendship in jeopardy so I could lick my wounds. And I'm sorry. I'm not always as strong as you think I am.

Oh... I dunno... if he'd tried being subtle I might not have figured out it wasn't you.

[It's an attempt at his usual humor to break the mood, but his heart just isn't in it, so it comes out a bit flat. He's tired. Ever since Apollo came back into his life, he's been trying to be better, trying to repair their relationship into something stronger than it was before. But after the doppelganger, after Archie, and after this conversation, he'd be lying if he didn't think he was the only one trying to do so right now.]

I don't love you for your strength, Andrew. ...Even if you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

[He flinches. An attempt at humor or not, it hurts that M had thought for a second that that thing had been him. That he could attack him on an emotional level so viciously, so callously.

But he doesn't know what else to say expect how sorry he is. And he's not sure if it's enough. If it's what M wants to hear.]

...What do we do now?

[M lets out a rather uncharacteristic sigh as he stares intently at his hands.]

...I don't know. Fight computer's closed, remember?

[Even if it is there, currently niggling at the back of his mind, working out the odds of millions of scenarios whether he wants it to or not.]

I'm not asking what the computer wants us to do. I want to know what you want to do.

[He's at fault this time. It's not up to him.]

I know.

[The computer just makes things easier. That way he doesn't have to think about feelings or thoughts or consequences... just decisions and answers.]

I just... don't understand why you won't talk to me, I guess.

I told you. I made a mistake. I should have trusted you with the truth but I was scared. And I thought if I ignored it it would go away. I was wrong.

[For a moment, M remains silent, simply looking over at Andrew. The next he's laughing up at the ceiling, both hands clenching the edge of the island they're sitting at. He honestly doesn't mean to do it, it just comes out--a deep, not-right laugh that just doesn't want to stop.

That was exactly the way he felt about pretending to be Lucas Trent, and yet here he is months later still attempting to explain himself. Should he have flipped a table too?]

[Andrew stills, his shoulders tensing as M's laugh bursts out suddenly, filling the space between them with its sound.

He reaches out his hand, carefully reaching for M's shoulder.]

...M?

[M finally gets his unhinged giggles under control and glances sidelong at his boyfriend.]

I take it the dramatic irony was lost on you, then.

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tmw you reveal something huge and someone has already spoiled it

poor Andrew

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