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[heliophilic]

This is M. I'm most likely out punching someone. Don't worry, they deserve it.

Probably.

I'll call you back later.

TEXT | VOICE | VIDEO

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[heliophilic]

[M can't help but feel guilty at not thinking about Andrew's feelings. Ever since they had gotten back together, he had thought that it was something he had really worked on, and they were finally moving past M's previous failings. He hadn't considered that there might have been more issues that he could have been addressing. Understanding human nature just isn't one of those things that comes naturally to him.]

The difference between our experiences is I didn't know how fucked up it was until I was old enough not to give a shit. I thought I was normal. You always knew that you weren't being treated right.

[He squeezes Andrew's hand.]

Anything you need, Andrew, I'm gonna support. You know that, right? And that means anything you need from me too. I can't be the only one being open about these things. Tell me when something bothers you.

tmw you reveal something huge and someone has already spoiled it

[itssacrifice]

[He doesn't want M to feel guilty for not knowing about any of this. At the end of the day, the problem resides in Andrew, and he needs to work on himself in order to fix it. He's the only one who can change it.]

Yeah, I knew. But I thought it was my fault. And even when I got old enough to know better I never did anything about it. I never dealt with my past head-on and acknowledged all the toxic bullshit they fed me. The voices in my head that tell me I can never be good enough.

[He stares down at M's hand in his and can't help but feel like he's standing on a ledge, about to tumble over. Because there's more that he hasn't told M. Something that bothers him. That keeps him up some nights, too afraid to close his eyes and be there again. The other reason he needs to talk to someone so desperately.

But first he needs to talk to M.]

Um...there is something else I need to tell you. [He swallows.] During the last year I've been here...I've died.

poor Andrew

[heliophilic]

I'm pretty good at silencing voices.

[His response is quiet, and he keeps his voice just light enough so Andrew knows that while he's at least joking about the methods, he's genuine about wanting to help him silence those voices.

And then he finally says what he's been wanting to hear since he first heard about it a month ago.

M isn't sure if he's angry or relieved when Andrew finally tells him about what happened in the past, after first hearing it from the clone, and then getting most of the details filled in by Archie. Angry because he doesn't know if it wasn't for the clone they wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place, and relieved because it seems that Andrew finally trusts him.

Regardless, at the news he visibly stiffens and slowly looks up to meet Andrew's gaze.]

...I've... heard.

[itssacrifice]

[His responding smile is small, edging on sad, but also relieved. He knows that he can't fix anything without relying on himself first, but knowing that M is willing to stand by his side and help however he can makes the though of it all easier to bear.

Even with the nerves eating at him after his confession, he feels content. Maybe not quite happy yet, but a feeling that happiness is possible once they move beyond this conversation.

But that feeling quickly disappears in the face of M's admission. Andrew's eyes snap up to M's face, widened in shock. And no...no..nonono. This was supposed to be his secret. He was supposed to be the one to decide when and who to share it with. Not-]

Not from Archie. He...he would have told me. [He pauses for a moment, his face collapsing into a painful grimace.]

The...doppelganger?

[heliophilic]

[A nod.] He was all to eager to tell me all about it. Really twisted the knife and everything.

[So now he can say he's been stabbed by two boyfriends, one physically, and one emotionally.]

In the spirit of full disclosure: I cornered Archie and got him to fill in some of the blanks.

[itssacrifice]

[He winces as if he was the one being cut open. Just when he thinks the worst of this conversation has come and past, another equally painful element makes itself known.]

I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner. I just...wanted to forget it all happened.

[He wants to groan when M mentions cornering Archie for information. Maybe he should be relieved. If M already knows the details that means he doesn't have to go through the process of telling him.]

...What did he tell you?

[heliophilic]

[M doesn't even have to think about it, he just immediately starts quoting the doppelganger:]

"You're losing your edge. No, more like you're purposely dulling your edge. You're making yourself weak. That must be why...

That must be why I never told you about my deaths. I tried to convince myself it was because I was protecting Archie but no. I was really protecting you. Sparing you from the fact that you could do nothing to save me. Because you've become nothing."

"Twice. Not that you would have noticed."

"Do you want to know how I died? Every last excruciating detail?"

"Are you sure you don't want to know? All about the agony I was in? The way it happened and who was responsible?"

"What's going on is I'm finally telling you things that I should have told you awhile ago. Because you're right, I should have come to you when all of this happened. But I guess... I guess at that point I still wasn't sure how much I trusted you not to hurt me again. Archie just seemed like a better bet in those regards."

"Only that he was involved both times I met my demise. Once he was even the cause of it. But you could say both were kind of his fault. If I hadn't been so preoccupied trying to save him from first his incompetence and then from himself then maybe I would have been spared."

That's all the pertinent information.

[M finally does pause now, staring over at Andrew, his expression unreadable.]

I'm going to tell you what I told him: Andrew, I know I haven't been the most emotional person you've met, but I thought... I'd really hoped you'd know by now that I'm here for you. You're the strongest person I know, but that doesn't mean you have to hold it all in.

[He looks down at his hands, falling into a longer, deeper pause before looking up again.]

I have to ask--how is hiding this from me any different than what I did to you? I'm not talking about how I fucked it all up; I will always fully own that. I made the situation worse. What I'm talking about is the part where I didn't want you to know how broken I felt, and that somehow I was in the wrong for keeping it from you.

[itssacrifice]

[He allows the words to roll over him, eyes glued down to the floor, as M recites the hateful words. Underneath all the guilt and heartache a strong pulse of anger is trying to boil its way to the top. Anger at the doppelganger for using his face and his voice to deliver that steaming bowl of crap M's way. To reveal his secrets in lies and partial truths. To cut down M in the places where he's vulnerable.

By the end his hands have curled into fists and his lips have drawn together in a hard line. If he ever finds that little shit he's dead.]

...Definitely not the way I would have worded it. His bedsides manner is shit.

[He doesn't mean to be flippant at such a dire time but he needs M to know that he's been fed a version of the facts that isn't his own. Even if his own fears and insecurities have gotten them to this point, he never viewed M spitefully.]

It's not. [M has done his best to own up to his own bullshit, the least Andrew can do is do the same.] I shouldn't have kept things from you. Especially something as big and awful as my deaths. And I should never have made Archie promise not to tell you. I put your friendship in jeopardy so I could lick my wounds. And I'm sorry. I'm not always as strong as you think I am.

[heliophilic]

Oh... I dunno... if he'd tried being subtle I might not have figured out it wasn't you.

[It's an attempt at his usual humor to break the mood, but his heart just isn't in it, so it comes out a bit flat. He's tired. Ever since Apollo came back into his life, he's been trying to be better, trying to repair their relationship into something stronger than it was before. But after the doppelganger, after Archie, and after this conversation, he'd be lying if he didn't think he was the only one trying to do so right now.]

I don't love you for your strength, Andrew. ...Even if you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

[itssacrifice]

[He flinches. An attempt at humor or not, it hurts that M had thought for a second that that thing had been him. That he could attack him on an emotional level so viciously, so callously.

But he doesn't know what else to say expect how sorry he is. And he's not sure if it's enough. If it's what M wants to hear.]

...What do we do now?

[heliophilic]

[M lets out a rather uncharacteristic sigh as he stares intently at his hands.]

...I don't know. Fight computer's closed, remember?

[Even if it is there, currently niggling at the back of his mind, working out the odds of millions of scenarios whether he wants it to or not.]

[itssacrifice]

I'm not asking what the computer wants us to do. I want to know what you want to do.

[He's at fault this time. It's not up to him.]

[heliophilic]

I know.

[The computer just makes things easier. That way he doesn't have to think about feelings or thoughts or consequences... just decisions and answers.]

I just... don't understand why you won't talk to me, I guess.

[itssacrifice]

I told you. I made a mistake. I should have trusted you with the truth but I was scared. And I thought if I ignored it it would go away. I was wrong.

[heliophilic]

[For a moment, M remains silent, simply looking over at Andrew. The next he's laughing up at the ceiling, both hands clenching the edge of the island they're sitting at. He honestly doesn't mean to do it, it just comes out--a deep, not-right laugh that just doesn't want to stop.

That was exactly the way he felt about pretending to be Lucas Trent, and yet here he is months later still attempting to explain himself. Should he have flipped a table too?]

[itssacrifice]

[Andrew stills, his shoulders tensing as M's laugh bursts out suddenly, filling the space between them with its sound.

He reaches out his hand, carefully reaching for M's shoulder.]

...M?

[heliophilic]

[M finally gets his unhinged giggles under control and glances sidelong at his boyfriend.]

I take it the dramatic irony was lost on you, then.