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[heliophilic]

This is M. I'm most likely out punching someone. Don't worry, they deserve it.

Probably.

I'll call you back later.

TEXT | VOICE | VIDEO

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[heliophilic]

[M doesn't hear Archie at first, consumed by a new thought as he clearly took his anger out on the hologram in front of him. How could he not have realized how full of self-loathing he'd been back then? He'd always convinced himself that the Midnighter side of him was the side he was always comfortable being, that who he'd been made to be was just a fact of life. The fact that he spent so many hours in that fight chamber, so much so that the other members of Stormwatch routinely mentioned it to him, all the while ruminating for hours on end about own his mental health and whether or not the team that was slowly consuming him even gave a damn, says otherwise.

And then it hits him, why they would always ask him about his time in the fight chamber--they were trying to figure out if he was okay.

With the force that would tear off an actual man's head, M kicks the holo-Bat in the temple, taking little pleasure in watching it fly across the space. It isn't until he turns to get a better view of his prey does he finally notice Archie standing nearby.

Shaking his head slightly, he turns to his friend. He attempts to keep his tone light, like he hasn't just slipped down a mental rabbit hole he wasn't quite ready to confront just yet.]

What, no me for you to punch?

[h2no]

[he's watching m with interest-- there's nothing in his expression that suggests he's upset by what he's seeing, not even with the savage kick that disables the hologram. archie doesn't know what's going through m's head, but he has to wonder if he's enabling instead of helping. they've spoken about m's past as being a fighting machine lightly enough.

archie just shakes his head with a laugh.] Nah. I don't really use this for combat training-- just when we do team exercises. 'Sides, why on Earth would I want to punch my sweet darling grandson?

[heliophilic]

Well that hardly seems fair, me doing all the work.

[In truth, M's grateful for the distraction, all the while keeping an eye on the Bathologram out of the corner of his eye.]

Or did you just want to see if I'd been lying to you all those years about creatively rearranging people's organs?

[h2no]

I'm just lettin' you have first hit! I'm still mad about Batman callin' me a hobo.

[it's on the ground, then fizzles out. archie tosses m the remote.]

Use it to summon up as many as you want, if you wanna punch more. [he shrugs.] I don't think you lie. I just thought-- I don't know. I'm startin' to feel like assumin' punching would help anything is kind of a terrible misread of your character.

[heliophilic]

[M catches the remote, but doesn't hit it just yet, instead curious at what Archie just said.]

I dunno, I've always found punching things to be a good use of my time.

What makes you think otherwise?

[h2no]

Well, for starters, you are a real ass person and not a comic book character. I am going to assume you have more to yourself than just punchin'.

[he crosses his arms.]

Tell me, sweet grandson, how are you doing?

[heliophilic]

[Hey! That's an insult to his medium, mister!]

I already told you, I'm fine.

[No, that's not what he said at all, but...]

[h2no]

Uhhh... I think what you said was that... [he holds a finger up for each point.] Your boyfriend left with unresolved issues, you had to kill your best friend and she keeps asking you to do it again-- I suspect that was Andy, by the way-- you keep losing people and the new Apollo has a bunch of Midnighter issues.

Now, I'm known to only have one brain cell, but it's tellin' me that that ain't fine!

[heliophilic]

[It was, and M's face says as much. His shoulders slump ever so slightly as he turns his attention fully to Archie.]

What do you want me to do? Mope around the house for hours on end about things that I have no control over? Not that kind of guy, Archie.

And for the record, I punch things because it's what I was made for, and most days its the only thing that feels like I understand.

[h2no]

No, of course not. That's not the only thing you can do...

[he shakes his head.]

What about the days when it isn't?

[heliophilic]

I keep moving. I do my good Midnighter deeds and block it out until it goes away.

[h2no]

[he looks down, worrying his hands for a moment.]

Does it go away?

[heliophilic]

I eventually find something else to think about.

[That's not a yes.]

[h2no]

[he just exhales.]

Yeah. I get that. [he cocks his head.] Anyone from back home you want in here? That John Wormsmoor weirdo?

[heliophilic]

Jack Hawksmoor. And no. Jack's a nice guy and all, but we weren't exactly close.

[Because he kept everyone at Stormwatch at arms length, focusing solely on the mission at the expense of the people he was sharing that mission with.

He sighs, realizing now that, much like Angie that one time she asked him if he was happy with Stormwatch (before she turned completely batshit crazy thanks to that devolver nonsense), Archie's doing the same thing right here, right now.]

You're worried about me, Archie.

[He meant it as a question, but it didn't come out as such. Just a statement of fact. Archie cares about him, and now he's worried.]

[h2no]

Fair.

[he crosses his arms, looks away for a moment, then back to m, concern clear in his expression.]

Of course I am. You're one of my best friends, M. I love you as family. [he reaches out cautiously, fingertips brushing over m's forearm.] I'd do anything if it might help, even for a few minutes.

[heliophilic]

[M reaches over and gives Archie a hug. It's a little stiff, but he's trying. He honestly can't remember the last time he's done this to someone that he wasn't dating.]

I'm still trying to figure out how to talk to people. Sometimes when I joke about it, I don't think people understand exactly what it is I'm saying to them, or think that I'm exaggerating. I've just... started to stop thinking about trying to get someone to understand me.

[h2no]

[archie shifts, looping his arm around m's waist. it's alright. at least he's trying. he clearly appreciates the gesture.]

You're worth understanding, and you're worth knowing. What happens when you think about not joking about it, and just saying it?

[heliophilic]

I... don't think people would understand. It doesn't bother me--[really, it doesn't!]--but I've learned to most people it's too much.

[h2no]

It can be hard to know who to confide in. Especially in a place like this.

[he sighs.]

It's a blessing and a curse.

[heliophilic]

Even here--even... Andrew. He never got it either.

[Apollo might, a little voice in his head whispers. Nope, not even remotely going there right now.]

People think that I'm joking or being metaphorical when I tell them that I was made to be a weapon, and that I have to fight every second of every day to be anything else.

[h2no]

Hearing what they want to hear, huh?

[he looks over.]

I'm sorry. I had no idea you struggled with Andrew as well. You never stopped trying, even with all that, huh?

[heliophilic]

Sometimes I wonder if it's that... other times I wonder if it's just too much. Too much to comprehend.

[He looks over at Archie.]

He was the first person to see me for who I could be. And despite our fuckups, he loved me, and I loved him. That's something to fight for.

[h2no]

Don't know. Probably the best not to theorise on 'em.

[archie nods firmly.]

Somethin' to hold onto. [kinda makes his own admission that he loves m, even platonically, feel a bit weird?] Do you have people you want to understand that don't?

[heliophilic]

The people that I care for.

[A pause.]

Like you. Do you get it?