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[heliophilic]

This is M. I'm most likely out punching someone. Don't worry, they deserve it.

Probably.

I'll call you back later.

TEXT | VOICE | VIDEO

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[h2no]

Well, for starters, you are a real ass person and not a comic book character. I am going to assume you have more to yourself than just punchin'.

[he crosses his arms.]

Tell me, sweet grandson, how are you doing?

[heliophilic]

[Hey! That's an insult to his medium, mister!]

I already told you, I'm fine.

[No, that's not what he said at all, but...]

[h2no]

Uhhh... I think what you said was that... [he holds a finger up for each point.] Your boyfriend left with unresolved issues, you had to kill your best friend and she keeps asking you to do it again-- I suspect that was Andy, by the way-- you keep losing people and the new Apollo has a bunch of Midnighter issues.

Now, I'm known to only have one brain cell, but it's tellin' me that that ain't fine!

[heliophilic]

[It was, and M's face says as much. His shoulders slump ever so slightly as he turns his attention fully to Archie.]

What do you want me to do? Mope around the house for hours on end about things that I have no control over? Not that kind of guy, Archie.

And for the record, I punch things because it's what I was made for, and most days its the only thing that feels like I understand.

[h2no]

No, of course not. That's not the only thing you can do...

[he shakes his head.]

What about the days when it isn't?

[heliophilic]

I keep moving. I do my good Midnighter deeds and block it out until it goes away.

[h2no]

[he looks down, worrying his hands for a moment.]

Does it go away?

[heliophilic]

I eventually find something else to think about.

[That's not a yes.]

[h2no]

[he just exhales.]

Yeah. I get that. [he cocks his head.] Anyone from back home you want in here? That John Wormsmoor weirdo?

[heliophilic]

Jack Hawksmoor. And no. Jack's a nice guy and all, but we weren't exactly close.

[Because he kept everyone at Stormwatch at arms length, focusing solely on the mission at the expense of the people he was sharing that mission with.

He sighs, realizing now that, much like Angie that one time she asked him if he was happy with Stormwatch (before she turned completely batshit crazy thanks to that devolver nonsense), Archie's doing the same thing right here, right now.]

You're worried about me, Archie.

[He meant it as a question, but it didn't come out as such. Just a statement of fact. Archie cares about him, and now he's worried.]

[h2no]

Fair.

[he crosses his arms, looks away for a moment, then back to m, concern clear in his expression.]

Of course I am. You're one of my best friends, M. I love you as family. [he reaches out cautiously, fingertips brushing over m's forearm.] I'd do anything if it might help, even for a few minutes.

[heliophilic]

[M reaches over and gives Archie a hug. It's a little stiff, but he's trying. He honestly can't remember the last time he's done this to someone that he wasn't dating.]

I'm still trying to figure out how to talk to people. Sometimes when I joke about it, I don't think people understand exactly what it is I'm saying to them, or think that I'm exaggerating. I've just... started to stop thinking about trying to get someone to understand me.

[h2no]

[archie shifts, looping his arm around m's waist. it's alright. at least he's trying. he clearly appreciates the gesture.]

You're worth understanding, and you're worth knowing. What happens when you think about not joking about it, and just saying it?

[heliophilic]

I... don't think people would understand. It doesn't bother me--[really, it doesn't!]--but I've learned to most people it's too much.

[h2no]

It can be hard to know who to confide in. Especially in a place like this.

[he sighs.]

It's a blessing and a curse.

[heliophilic]

Even here--even... Andrew. He never got it either.

[Apollo might, a little voice in his head whispers. Nope, not even remotely going there right now.]

People think that I'm joking or being metaphorical when I tell them that I was made to be a weapon, and that I have to fight every second of every day to be anything else.

[h2no]

Hearing what they want to hear, huh?

[he looks over.]

I'm sorry. I had no idea you struggled with Andrew as well. You never stopped trying, even with all that, huh?

[heliophilic]

Sometimes I wonder if it's that... other times I wonder if it's just too much. Too much to comprehend.

[He looks over at Archie.]

He was the first person to see me for who I could be. And despite our fuckups, he loved me, and I loved him. That's something to fight for.

[h2no]

Don't know. Probably the best not to theorise on 'em.

[archie nods firmly.]

Somethin' to hold onto. [kinda makes his own admission that he loves m, even platonically, feel a bit weird?] Do you have people you want to understand that don't?

[heliophilic]

The people that I care for.

[A pause.]

Like you. Do you get it?

[h2no]

[there's something in his expression that might indicate he didn't... expect m to ask. or at least admit he cares? archie's dumb.]

I'm really trying to. [else they wouldn't be here.] I want to do right by you.

[heliophilic]

I know.

[And Archie will never know just how much M appreciates that.]

But do you understand what I mean by I spend every second thinking about murder, whether I want to or not?

[h2no]

Brain-computer and what you were made for, right? [he asks, cautiously. low-key terrified of being wrong.]

[heliophilic]

[A nod.]

And I can't turn it off. I can temporarily tune it out, I can trick it to temporarily think of something else, but it's always there talking to me.

[h2no]

You don't ever stop trying, though. That's more than what the people who put it in you expected, isn't it?

[he can't imagine they ever expected any of this-- not being an import, but m growing beyond it all, even if he feels he hasn't.]