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[heliophilic]

This is M. I'm most likely out punching someone. Don't worry, they deserve it.

Probably.

I'll call you back later.

TEXT | VOICE | VIDEO

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[performance]

It's not just that! It's a matter of trust! It doesn't only expose me, but every single person I work with, by association. Not to mention it puts him in danger if he decides to do something stupid because he finds out about Scarecrow or— or who knows what. It's for everyone's protection, because it isn't just my secret.

All my life, I've only ever told one person. And I went behind Batman's back to do it.

[heliophilic]

[Ugh, superheroes and their goddamn secrets.]

Right, because Scarecrow hasn't done enough damage to himself that a hothead with a particular set of skills like Bucky couldn't possibly have a reason to go after him on his own.

And what happened that one time you told someone, after defying the almighty Batman?

[performance]

Back home? He hasn't found out. And the one here doesn't— care.

[ About him. And if some bitterness creeps into his voice there, what of it? ]

... I can't just break the rules anytime I feel like it. They might not make sense to other people. I get that. But if the rules only apply when I want them to, they might as well not exist.

[heliophilic]

[Fucking Batman. All of 'em, apparently.]

Look, remember what I told you when we first met? That everyone knows who my version of Grayson is? It wasn't an exaggeration. Some assholes from a parallel dimension or something--I'll be honest, I really didn't care, that was Justice League-level bullshit, not mine--unmasked him on live TV. He wasn't going by Robin anymore, but really it wasn't that huge of a leap to figure out he was the original.

You know what happened to the big, bad Batman and his little flock of birds?

Nothing.

No one's figured out just who they are. I don't know. [He doesn't doubt he can figure it out though, but as that doesn't help his point any, he keeps it to himself.]

Two words of advice:

1. "The rules" are bullshit. They're arbitrary, given to you when you were too young to know better by a guy who thinks its a good idea to run around dressed like a bat. One of the things about growing up is you have to decide what "rules" work for you. You don't have to play the game just like him. Get out from under his shadow. Play the game the way you think it should be played.

2. You should know by now that I'm very good with determining the odds of any given situation, and the odds of Bucky figuring it out on his own is higher than him not. You move a very specific way, from growing up as an acrobat, and he's more observant than he looks. And if--when--that time comes, I can almost guarantee he'll be pissed you kept it from him.

So whose trust is more important to you, Grayson?

[performance]

[ That's... an awful lot to take in all at once. Dick's quiet for several moments, taking a slow breath, his heart pounding in his chest. Trying to imagine what that would be like, if one day everyone just knew. It sounds terrifying.

It sounds freeing. ]

... I am trying, you know. To figure out who Robin is without "Batman and" in front of my name. I'm still— [ He laughs, but it's quiet. ] He gave me rules to live by, and a purpose, and a higher calling. It's like trying to make sense of faith on your own after being raised in the church, I think. It sounds melodramatic, but if you knew him like I did, you'd get it.

I know not everything he taught me is right. Or at least not right for me. I do know that. But it's... hard. It's really, really hard to rebuild yourself. If I drop those rules and make my own, that means any bad call I make from there on out? That's all on me. And it's not like I want to avoid responsibility or anything like that, but... honestly? I'm sixteen. I still screw up so much. How am I supposed to know what the right thing to do is when I only seem to get it right about half the time?

[ Dryly, but jokingly: ] Complicated interpersonal relationship dynamics aside.

[heliophilic]

[Now it's M's turn to be quiet. Deep conversations like this, with a teenager no less, is not his strong suit. He's not a role model, someone to ask these kinds of questions to. Hell, it's debatable if he's even a good person in general.

Still, he's been there. Back when his memories were nothing but a blank slate and killing was all he thought about. It was terrifying.

So... so he'll try, at least, to give Dick some guidance.]

I'm not saying throw them all out. I mean, I'm not exactly Batman's biggest fan, but he's got at least a few good ideas. All I'm saying is you have to use them as the basis for you, rather than clutching them like a safety net. You're a Grayson, kid. You don't need 'em to fly.

I'm not exactly sure about teenagers, but I'm pretty sure that screwing up is what they're supposed to do. You're learning. And honestly, it sucks, but you learn what's right by doing the wrong thing. No one's perfect, not even someone who can see how it ends before it starts.

So you make mistakes, and you learn from them. And you own those mistakes and you get better. But unless you fuck up, you'll never learn your limits.

[performance]

... You're surprisingly understanding for a guy I met covered in blood.

[heliophilic]

Matt got lucky.

[No, M got played. But he doesn't like to think about that too much.]

I started out as a blank slate. No memories of my past, just my implants giving me all kinds of suggestions. I made a choice about who I wanted to be, and it took me a little bit to get there, but I did, and I couldn't be happier. I figure being a teenager is kind of like that.

[performance]

Maybe a little bit. ... Maybe a lot, actually. [ He pauses for a moment. ] So you didn't have anyone telling you what to do and how to do it? Just— implants?

[ There's a story here... ]

[heliophilic]

I'd be lying if I said it was just me. The Gardener was there for me in the beginning. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't get some of my values from her, but not because she was the one who took me in. Her hatred of black science rivaled my own because I knew exactly what black science was capable of.

But when push came to shove, I quickly learned just how different our thoughts on the matter were, and I cut her out of my life.

Funny enough, I have the other Grayson to thank for that.

[performance]

I can see why he likes you.

[ Dick laughs quietly, mostly at himself. ] ... Man, I really want to ask you like a thousand questions about this stuff you keep saying. Sorry — detective thing.

[heliophilic]

The Gardener is a construct of the God Garden, a space ship that satellites the Earth. It's a refuge for people like me who have been experimented on, or generally goes against nature. It also houses black science, short for black market science, technology created by people who try to play god and lose.

Some of the science got loose and Dickie and I were on opposite sides tracking it all down. The last piece we needed to collect was at a concert in Tel Aviv. Dickie and I wanted to go get it and save everyone there. Gardener wanted them all to die so the world could see what black science was capable of and discourage further use. She was right, I knew she was right. Probability-wise, she was absolutely right. But we weren't going to let that happen.

That should answer them.

[performance]

That... actually pretty much covers it, yeah. You're really good at Q&A!

[heliophilic]

I tried the whole covert thing for a little bit. Didn't like it much. The job was interesting, but the payoff wasn't worth it. I decided that when it comes to my life, the one I have now, I've got nothing to hide.

[performance]

So you're open about everything.

[ Dick says this like he gets it, but he can't quite comprehend. Or maybe he's just a little bit jealous. ]

No double identity? You're always you? ... Does that really work out for the rest of the people in your life?

[heliophilic]

I go by M out of costume because thanks to superheroes, "Midnighter" now comes with certain expectations. I make it no secret what it's short for.

I'm afraid I can't really answer that one too well. My first boyfriend was another... aggressive anthropologist. [He really hates the word superhero.] Stronger than I could ever dream to be. But he was normal. He had a life and a name and a family. I thought he wanted normal.

I thought wrong.

[Talking about Andrew was probably the first time he ever loses that confident tone in his voice since meeting Dick. There's actually long pauses at places... talking about him is still hard. There's a pause before he continues.]

Second boyfriend was a civilian, but knew I was the Midnighter from the start. Towards the end there were some attempts on his life... but he was the one behind them. Turned out, he was actually a supervillain trying to kill me.

[Yeah his love life sucks.]

But there are other people in my life. People who know who I am and have seen me outside of the outfit. No one's ever harmed them. I'm not completely selfish. I give them the choice to be in my life.

[performance]

[ That's an awful lot to think about, and he's going to have to wrestle with it for a while. But hearing someone else talk about this — someone who at least seems to be a confident and self-assured adult, regardless of whatever else he might have going on — is new. Or at least, it's the first time this advice has actually hit home in a way that meant something to him. ]

... Thanks for talking about all this with me. I don't... have a lot of people who are good at advice and get this stuff. Batman and I aren't, um, close. Here. And other people try, they do, but they don't understand what being from Gotham's like, so I just... [ He exhales slowly. ] I know this kind of started out as a joke, but thank you so much for taking me seriously.

Can I ask you one other thing?

[heliophilic]

Not a joke. You just needed a push in the right direction.

[M's glad this isn't a video conversation, because he's rubbing his neck as he figures out how to tackle what Dick just told him. This is so out of his wheelhouse.]

I'm really not, Dick. I'm not a hero, I'm not a role model, and I sure as hell don't give good advice. I'm just telling you how I live my life.

[He can guess what that last question might be.]

There was nothing between me and the Grayson back home. We met tracking down the same black science that was stolen from the Garden. When we first started out, we both thought we were on different sides. Eventually we figured out we weren't, our methods just differed. Not exactly sure what the hell you'd call us now, but it'd be something like allies. There's definitely respect as far as I'm concerned. You don't go monster hunting in Russia with people you don't trust.

The fact he has a great ass is just a bonus.

[performance]

[ Aaaaand speaking of being glad this isn't a video conversation, Dick goes bright red, suddenly sooo flustered. ]

T-that's— that's not what I was going to ask! I mean yes okay I admit I was curious but that wasn't my question...

[heliophilic]

Then go ahead, Dickie. Shoot.

[Because now he's curious.]

[performance]

[ Pardon him while he makes a muffled, more-than-faintly embarrassed noise into his hand for a second. ]

[performance]

[ OKAY WE GOOD. He clears his throat. ]

I was just going to say. That first boyfriend you mentioned — your aggressive anthropologist friend. He really meant a lot to you, didn't he?

[ He's never heard M sound like that, is all. ]

[heliophilic]

....Yeah.

Andrew. His name's Andrew.

And he's much better off without me.

[performance]

Why? [ Dick sounds genuinely confused. ] Weren't you just giving me a whole romantic pep talk?

[heliophilic]

You and Bucky are completely different from me and Andrew.